Here Without You
by purplehairedwonder
Summary: Zero's reappearance stirs up painful memories for Suzaku of a certain pink-haired princess.


**Author's Note:** My first foray into the Code Geass fanfic universe, so hopefully everything turns out well. This one-shot takes place after the second episode of R2 so there are spoilers for everything before that. Leave a review and let me know what you think!

**Disclaimer:** I own neither Code Geass nor the song "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. They belong to their respective owners and I'm making no profit, that I am not.

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Here Without You

* * *

_A hundred days have made me older  
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face  
A thousand lies have made me colder  
And I don't think I can look at this the same  
But all the miles that separate  
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face_

Suzaku stared absently out his bedroom window. The waning moon shone over the Brittanian cityscape but the Knight paid no attention to the impressive skyline. He clutched a pendant tightly in his hand as if it was a lifeline and he was drowning. It was the pendant Euphie had given him upon becoming her Knight a year earlier. He sighed and looked down at the small but invaluable object. A sad smile brushed his lips as he traced its outline gently with his fingers. Suzaku never went anywhere without the pendant. It reminded him of her, and there had been many times over the last year that the memory of the pink-haired princess had been the only thing that kept him going.

A year had passed since her death and he missed her every day. He had grown older—far beyond his 18 years—in her absence and he had grown colder. He had become the Knight of Seven in the legendary Knights of the Round. The Knights of the Round was considered the most elite organization in the Brittanian military and, consequently, its members were answerable only to the Emperor himself.

As the Knight of Seven, Suzaku was able to move on his own and intervene in the action as he saw fit, unless on a specific mission from the Emperor; he had used that freedom to move about the various war areas and intervene where he hoped to make a difference; sometimes it worked and sometimes it did not. Through it all, he had seen more death than he could ever have imagined. He had seen death and he had caused it—though _that_ had begun at a young age for Suzaku. By becoming the Knight of Seven, he had not only become one of the most powerful warriors in the Brittanian military, but he had become a dealer of death. Together with his Lancelot, he was known as the White Reaper among enemy and ally soldiers alike.

But despite all the pain and suffering he had witnessed, caused, and felt in the last year, he always kept Euphie's pendant with him. He was, first and foremost, her Knight. Every time he piloted the Lancelot, he reminded himself that he was fighting for her honor before anything else. Even though his princess was dead, Suzaku still fought for her. Without her, he would not have moved up in the ranks as drastically as he had, and he would have been unable to fight and make a difference as he did now. He owed everything to her. And he tried to pay her memory back the only way he knew how: through his actions. He had never been good with words so had always let his actions speak for him. He only hoped it was enough.

The actions Suzaku now took reflected his new outlook. He was not the same person he had been when he had met Euphie. War had changed him, and not necessarily for the better. The Suzaku that Euphie had fallen in love with had died along with her a year prior and he mourned for that portion of his soul along with her. One day he hoped that person might return for Euphie's sake, as it seemed an insult to her memory to act as though he were a different person now. However, he didn't hold any illusions about the type of person needed to fill his current position. Euphie had wanted peace and had worked for it in the short time he had known her. And their shared values had brought them together against all odds. Because of that, he would fight for peace. And he would fight for her. But he would do whatever it took and that included playing the part required to achieve his goals.

_I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight it's only you and me_

Suzaku suddenly clenched his fist and felt the sharp edges of the pendant dig into his skin but didn't loosen his grip. The pain was a physical manifestation of his heartache and that pain reminded him that he was still alive; still alive to fight for a better future. No matter the death and destruction he was forced to deal with each and every day, Suzaku always kept Euphie in his thoughts and heart. Her absence was a constant ache throughout his very being, but it was also what made him strong. He channeled that pain into his fight for the future the princess had envisioned.

The rational part of his brain told him that he needed to move on. Hell, the people he was around most often felt he needed to move on as well, even if they didn't voice their concerns. Zino and Anya had breached the subject once or twice but Suzaku had brushed them off and they had let it go. Though they had been working together for close to a year, they still didn't know him well enough yet to venture into his mindset and, while continuing to concern themselves with him, let the touchy subject be.

Lloyd and Cecil had also brought it up more than once in the last year—Cecil always more subtle than Lloyd—but Suzaku had been unable to make a satisfactory reply. While he trusted and respected them—they had been as much to blame for his current high-ranking position as Euphie—he just didn't feel comfortable sharing his inner pain with anyone. Suzaku knew they meant well and were simply concerned for him, but he just couldn't bring himself to vocalize his feelings. This was his burden to bear and he would do it in his own way. They seemed to understand this and never pushed him on the matter.

Intellectually he knew it had been a year since Euphie's passing. And he knew that spending so long mourning for her was excessive, but he just couldn't help it. Something in the back of his mind also told him that Euphie wouldn't approve of his mindset. Her dying wish had, after all, been for him to return to school because she had never had the chance to finish. She always thought about others before herself and would not want him spending so much time angsting over her fate. She would want him living his life. But… she had been precious to him and in a time that his best friend had also been his greatest enemy, he had needed her; he had needed that support. And he needed the memory of that now more than ever.

Euphie's memory was a double-edged sword for the Knight. While it brought him pain, it also brought him indescribable happiness to think about the little time they had spent together before her death. Those were the memories that were most dear to Suzaku, alongside the time he had spent as a child with Lelouch and Nunally, and his time in the student council at Ashford. Her presence was soothing and she had always been able to bring him back to reality, no matter what had happened. Now when he was especially upset, he would imagine she was with him and it would calm him down. Just the memory of her presence had the ability to relax him.

_The miles just keep rollin'  
As the people leave their way to say hello  
I've heard this life is overrated  
But I hope that it gets better as we go_

But the calm could not and did not last. On his mind tonight was the reappearance of Zero earlier in the day. It had brought forth some painful memories that the Knight had been trying—and failing—to keep at bay. Suzaku ground his teeth. When the broadcast had first aired, a small part of him had hoped that this Zero was an imposter. After all, he had captured him and been there when the Emperor had erased Lelouch's memories. But the Knight knew Zero—knew Lelouch—well enough to know that this phantom was authentic, having mysteriously risen back to prominence from the depths of ignorance about his identity.

Somehow Lelouch had regained his memories and resumed his role as Zero after a year's absence. Suzaku frowned. This would complicate matters; unnecessarily, too. That was what really bothered him. By betraying Lelouch to his father, Suzaku had placed himself in a position to achieve his goals. His reward for capturing Lelouch had been admittance into the Knights of the Round. This way he would be able to ascend to the rank of First Knight and rule any Brittanian territory he chose. Of course he would choose Area 11—Japan. He would be able to restore order in his native country. And he could honor the many deaths, especially those of his father and Euphie. They had wanted peace for Japan and that was what Suzaku now fought for. He fought for it with every fiber of his being, even if his methods were necessarily unorthodox.

And dammit, if Lelouch had remained without his memories, Suzaku would have been able to protect him, too. Even if he wouldn't remember the bond the two had shared as boys, Suzaku would have fought to protect him so there would be no need for a Zero-type figure ever again. And he could have protected Lelouch from his father. Suzaku didn't trust the Emperor and knew the man had something else in mind for his son. By taking charge of Japan, Suzaku would have seen to it that the amnesiac prince was guarded.

The Lelouch that was without memory of being Zero was the Lelouch that Suzaku had befriended as a boy and that was the Lelouch he would fight to protect. He would fight for a world they had wanted to see as boys, before they had been caught up in fighting the war themselves. No matter how angry he might be at Lelouch for the past year's events, deep down he knew that Euphie would have wanted Suzaku to protect Lelouch. For Euphie, for her memory, he would do that.

But this new development changed all of that. Now the Lelouch that had fought against Suzaku, hypnotized and shot Euphie, and used the Order of the Black Knights and the Japanese people for his revenge was back. The return of _that_ Lelouch ruined all of Suzaku's carefully constructed plans. Suzaku had never been the tactical genius that Lelouch was, but with his goal so close, he had taken steps to insure his success. But those steps were all moot with Zero's sudden return.

_I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight girl its only you and me_

Opening his fist, Suzaku found blood on Euphie's pendant from his tight grip. The Knight pursed his lips, unable to forget holding the dying princess' hand as she had died, completely unaware of why she had to go. Instead of wondering what had happened to her, all she had worried about was the reaction of the Japanese people. It was just like her to be so selfless, even in her last moments.

Suzaku closed his fist again and slammed it against the wall, leaving a small spot of blood on the paint. It wasn't fair, dammit! He had loved her. As her Knight, he had loved her because it was his duty. But beyond duty, on a simple level, the man Suzaku had loved the woman Euphie. And now she was gone and he was left with nothing but her memory. Seeing her shot had been like having dagger shoved into his chest. And watching her fade into nothing had ripped his heart out. For a long time he wondered if he would ever be able to feel anything but hatred ever again. His heart had belonged to Euphie and she had gone, forcibly taken long before her time.

He felt something drip onto his hand before realizing it was a tear; he was crying. Suzaku blinked in surprise as he noticed the wetness on his cheeks for the first time. After Euphie's death, he had sworn that he would not cry again. Not until he had avenged Euphie and made sure her death was not in vain. He would fight for the peace she had wanted with all her heart. And he would continue to work for it the way they both felt it needed to come about: from the inside.

The irony of his position did not escape Suzaku. He let out a bitter laugh at the thought of it. He wanted peace for Japan and yet he had spilled blood and would spill blood again for that cause. Not only that, but he fought on the side of the oppressors of his people in order to win their freedom. Was he a hypocrite? Probably, but he had come too far to change his mind now. Even Lelouch had said it back then:

"_Let your hate flow. This is for Euphie. Besides, we decided long ago that there's no turning back."_

He had sold out his best friend for power even though that friendship had long been something Suzaku had fought to protect.

Though, Suzaku thought as he looked out the window once more, had he really betrayed his best friend? The Lelouch that he had brought before the Emperor had not been the Lelouch he had loved as a brother. While Lelouch had sworn to bring down the Brittanian Empire at a young age, Suzaku had never thought him capable of acting as he had as Zero.

Zero was the leader of a rebellion that only shed meaningless blood. Zero—no, Lelouch—used the Japanese people as a means for his own revenge against his father after the mysterious death of his mother. Lelouch had always been a hardened strategist—Suzaku could never win a game of chess against him no matter how many times they played—but he had also been compassionate. Suzaku's best friend had always cared for others and hated to see innocents victimized. The Lelouch that Suzaku cared for was not the man with the Geass in his left eye that allowed innocent people to die for his personal vendetta; innocent people like Euphie.

_Everything I know, and anywhere I go  
It gets hard but it won't take away my love  
And when the last one falls  
When it's all said and done  
It gets hard but it won't take away my love_

Suzaku closed his eyes, crippling pain racking his heart. He would never be able to forgive Lelouch for her fate. He knew that Lelouch held Euphie in high regard and that they had been close as children so could not imagine him ordering her to do something so horrible—no matter how despicable his actions had been, Suzaku could not see Lelouch going that far. Euphie had trusted Zero, knowing it was Lelouch.

As angry as he was with Lelouch and as much as he hated what he had become, Suzaku wanted to believe that something out of Lelouch's control had happened to cause the Geass to trigger on Euphie. Suzaku had watched C.C. fall over in pain shortly before the incident had started, after all, and she was the impetus for everything. V.V. had been purposefully vague when giving the details relating to Euphie's death to him that night and Suzaku had been too driven by his emotions to notice or even care. It had only been in the aftermath of the events that he had really thought about it.

But whether Lelouch meant for the command to happen or not, he had used the aftermath of Euphie's Geass-induced rampage for his own ends. He had smeared the princess' name while she lay dying, unaware of what she had done. He could still feel her hand going limp in his as she breathed her last breath. He had held her hand as the warmth had faded and the cold still gave him shivers.

A year later, the pain was still fresh and Suzaku didn't think he'd ever fully move on. Part of him didn't want to, either. She had been everything to him in a time he had needed it. She was the princess and he had been her Knight… and he had failed her. She had died on his watch. She had died on his watch at the hands on his best friend and he hadn't been able to do anything but watch it happen.

The guilt he felt for allowing her to die had mutated into anger and hatred toward the one who had caused it. A year later, he still wasn't sure what prompted him call Lelouch that night on Euphie's line, but some of Suzaku's suspicions had been confirmed during that short conversation—though it had taken until he had unmasked Zero to fully believe what he had suspected. Lelouch may have a silver tongue, but Suzaku had known him long enough to read between the lines of his words.

"_Lelouch, do you hate anyone enough that you would want to kill them?"_

"_Yes, I do."_

"_I thought that I couldn't think that way because unless I followed the rules, it would just be murder. But now I'm being controlled by my hatred. I'm fighting to kill someone. I'm going to be a murderer above the skies of Tokyo, so…"_

"_Let your hate flow. This is for Euphie. Besides, we decided long ago that there's no turning back."_

"_For Nunally?"_

"_Yeah. I'd better go then."_

"_Thank you, Lelouch."_

"_Don't worry about it. We're friends, aren't we?"_

"_Ever since seven years ago."_

Everything Suzaku said to Lelouch that night had been the truth. He had been controlled by his hatred for the one who had killed Euphie. Lelouch had smeared Euphie's name for the sake of the Black Rebellion and when Suzaku had confronted him about it in the cave on Kaminejima, he had been unrepentant. The way Zero had turned around upon Suzaku's arrival and had begun preaching about Euphie happily slaughtering the Japanese had made Suzaku angrier than he had ever been in his life. He would not stand for anyone—much less the one who had caused her death—to speak of Euphie that way. Lelouch's earlier words had resonated through Suzaku: _"This is for Euphie."_

Lelouch's declaration of no turning back had come true that night. Their paths forked and there was no way to backtrack for either of them. Suzaku had kept to his word on the phone that night as he had "killed" Zero by capturing him and bringing him to the Emperor to have his memories altered. With Zero's death, the Lelouch that Suzaku had been friends with had returned, even if he hadn't remembered their relationship. For a year, Zero had been dead and Suzaku had been a man of his word. But, like a mythological being, Zero had been resurrected and the vicious cycle of rebellion and meaningless bloodshed was ripe to resume.

For Euphie's sake, Suzaku couldn't bear to see Zero standing in front of the camera again. Zero's theatrics insulted Euphie's memory and Lelouch knew it. How he could profess his love for his half-sibling while acting as an impetus for destroying all she had worked for boggled Suzaku's mind. He couldn't understand the mindset and so he knew he had to act. If he wanted Euphie's peace to come to pass, he had to do something.

_I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight girl its only you and me_

Suzaku looked out his window one more time, still not really seeing the Brittanian cityscape, before removing his outer Knight uniform and slipping into his bed. He pressed his lips gently to the pendant still in his hands before setting in on the nightstand next to him. Lying back on the pillows, Suzaku stared at the dark ceiling. An image of Euphie flitted in front of his eyes, disappearing before he had a chance to react. He shook his head, trying to shake the painful longing he felt.

Sighing, the Knight ran his hands through his hair before turning onto his side. For Euphie's sake he would find out what exactly Lelouch was up to. He would head to Area 11—Japan—and find out exactly what was going on. Zino and Anya would probably follow him, but he could use the backup, especially if Zero were to rescue his imprisoned Black Knights. Suzaku knew that Euphie had never liked the violent solution but sometimes there was no other choice.

Closing his eyes, Suzaku silently prayed for the princess to watch over him as he fought for her. He needed her love and support and hoped that wherever she was now, she was watching him and would lend him some of her strength. He would need it.

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End


End file.
